Eli's birthday is going to be this Saturday. He will be 5 years old. I have really been struggling with this for a few weeks. I feel like my children's lives are zooming by at super sonic speed and I know that I miss so much. I feel such a mix of emotions as they grow...pride, fear, elation, anticipation, guilt, joy...the list goes on and on.
To be 100% honest I have been pretty bummed out lately. A few weeks ago when Eli came home from his Dad's with a gap in his mouth and missing his first tooth, it was bittersweet. He was so proud and I was tickled by the delight that he had at being a "real live big boy" as he so described himself. I was amazed at his story and the bravery that he showed (although that is so typical of Eli - my little warrior man). I listened in prideful awe as he told me that he had to twist his tooth and pull it "really hard" to get it all the way out. I smiled when he told me that everyone told him to just leave it alone and it would fall out on it's own but he wanted it out so he just pulled and pulled even when it hurt really, really bad. I was so proud of him and for him. Then when he left the room I cried.
Those who know me know that this is monumental because I rarely cry anymore. But I cried because I wasn't there for this major event in my first son's life. I cried because I knew I would never see or hold his little tooth. I knew that it would be safely tucked away in his Daddy's safe and although I do not begrudge his Daddy the joy of holding this precious treasure in safekeeping, I cried at being unable to share in that treasure.
That day was a sort of shift in my mood and my perspective. I have been pretty weepy and pitiful and have pretty much felt sorry for myself every day since then. I have been gripey about work, housecleaning, bill paying, and all the other responsibilities that are ineveitably part of life. I have been sad to see my little boy grow before my eyes at seemingly lightening speed. I have felt tired and drained and powerless.
Well today an amazing thing happened. Once again I got a gratitude nudge. I tend to get these just when I need them the most. Just when I get all imbedded in my own little pity party, the Universe aligns with a cosmic lesson. That may sound a little self-important - to think that the Universal alignment shifts just for me but I believe that these things happen to all of us and by paying attention to them we will see that they happen at just the right time!
Tonight I took my children to Chuck-E-Cheese to celebrate Eli's birthday a few days early. (He will be with his Daddy on his actual birthday) As I was sitting there lamenting my tiredness the cosmic gratitude fireworks show began.
Wyatt has a wonderful habit of running up to me several times in a day and giving me a little hug and kiss while saying "kissie, huggie". Nothing has to happen to spark these little nuggets of affection, it's just something he does. Well tonight every time he came to the table to get tokens for the games he would do that. After about the 5th time a lady at the other table said, "You are so lucky! Your kids love you so much! I would give anything for mine to kiss and hug me without being asked." I was taken aback. I was shocked that she noticed what I had been taking for granted. Then my spirit felt instantly lifted and I thought to myself, "I really AM blessed that my children are so affectionate. Wow!"
As my mood changed and my attention was shifted from feeling tired and gripey I started to notice the laughter and shreaks of joy from the children around me. I looked around to get sight of my kids and across the room I saw a little boy about Wyatt's height and with Wyatt's exact hairstyle who was wearing a green shirt like Wyatt was. At first I thought it was my son and then I did a double take because this precious little boy had on Coke-bottle thick glasses. Now don't get me wrong...this child was adorable! But it struck me just how blessed my children and I are. None of my 3 children have had any major health issues. They all have perfectly normal vision, hearing, health, cognitive function, etc. What an amazing and miraculous blessing that is! One that I take for granted on a daily basis.
By this time I am just basking in gratitude. It is like a sunny day and I am feeling so grateful and so blessed. I walked to get a refill on my drink and I am bumped into by a precious little child. I look down and this child has Down's Sydrome. Tears immediately hit my eyes and as I filled my drink I chided myself for my silly mood these past few weeks.
As I walked back to our table with my Coke in hand I caught sight of my 3 kids all playing together at the air hockey table. Eli and Wyatt were on either side of the table playing and Erin was in the middle cheering them on and sweetly helping them out when the puck got stuck in the center where neither of them could reach it. She was being so patient and helpful and kind (as is her precious nature). The three of them were smiling and laughing. What a joy!
I am so blessed to have healthy children. I am blessed to have a good job and a great career that provides me that opportunity to take my children to Chuck-E-Cheese on their birthdays and to keep them in a safe home and a safe car. I am blessed to have a wonderful babysitter who loves my children and helps me to teach them how to be good and loving people. I am blessed that my children have fathers' that love them and spend time with them. My boys' may not have their parents in the same home but they have the benefit of us both which means they have a Daddy to do guy stuff with them. He is wonderful and involved in a way that so many parents are not. He teaches them about farming, hunting, and life lessons in general. My daughter's father speaks to her by phone every single day and spends a great deal of time with her. They have a friendship that most fathers and daughters do not have. My children all have the security of knowing that they are completely loved by both or their parents.
I realized that maybe my life is not the "Leave It to Beaver" perfect portrait that I would have painted for myself and for my children. Always the strong-willed child, I have had to learn many of life's lessons my way which has turned out to be the hard way. And, unfortunately, my children have been drug down that road time and again. We have all learned lessons along the way but we have all been bruised by the many potholes in the path. I hope that the lessons learned will, for them, be worth the bumps and bruises.
I am a true believer that when life throws you a lesson and you don't catch it, it will get tossed back to you again and again until you really get it. I know that approaching life with a true sense of gratitude is a lesson that I am being taught. I guess I am a slow learner but I am working on getting there. Sometimes a lost tooth is just a lost tooth but other times perhaps there is something divine in that. It certainly sparked a lesson for me.
When we left Chuck-E-Cheese with our 86 cents worth of "prizes" from our $50 worth of tokens I felt so blessed. I felt almost giddy with the gratitude. I thought nothing could lift my spirits more. I was wrong! On the way out the door my almost 5 year old ran in front of me and held the door for me while saying "Ladies' First." I was so proud! Then on the way home I listened to my 2 little boys have a conversation like this:
Eli - "Girls are always supposed to go first. And when you see a girl doing something hard you are supposed to help her or just do it for her."
Wyatt - "Yeah! And you shouldn't ever let a girl open her own door or walk behind you because that is just rude!"
Eli - "Yeah. And girls like it when you buy them flowers or jewelry."
Wyatt - "Yeah. And candy too."
I looked over at my beautiful daughter and we both giggled and winked as we listened to these two tiny men remind each other how to be chivalrous. I realized that this life lesson was being reinforced in her young mind as well.
Chuck E Cheese (for my brood at least) is no cheap adventure. We generally average a good 3 hours and I always try to budget between $75 and $100 for the total adventure. We always come out with pizza filled bellies, cotton candy coated teeth, and 86 cents worth of useless "prizes" that always end up in the toy donation bucket within 2 weeks. But it's sort of a birthday tradition and we are usually laughing all the way home. We go 3 times a year (for each of my kids birthdays) and it's pretty much the same trip every time.
But this CEC trip will live in my memory for a long time. This trip came with the bonus of a free lesson in gratitude. And that is the best prize of all!
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