Ahh....the New Year. This is a time when we make big plans for all the changes that will take place in our life in the next year. Some of you make resolutions for all the things you will do differently. (I don't believe in resolutions - but I don't fault those that do!) Some (like moi!) just dive in head first and hope for the best. No matter how we approach the New Year, we can't help but feel that stirring in our tummies that comes when we don't know exactly what to expect.
But this year I am going to try to approach it differently. I am going to take a two-fold approach to this amazing gift that is another year on this planet. I am going to look both backward and forward. The last several years have been wrought (is that how you spell that word?) with amazing lessons, horrible and heart-wrenching tragedies, and joys beyond my wildest dreams...and still I regret that I did not document those lessons along the way. (and that is truly what every single one of those events has been - a piece of this lesson that is life)
I have found that in those highly emotional times, memory goes into some strange mode. Do you remember those plastic toys we had as kids that were full of colored sand? Mine was a big flat oval and you could turn it in multiple directions and the sand would swirl and move and make all these delightful patterns and designs. I remember the beauty of it but not the specifics. I think that is how our memory processes things when we are overloaded emotionally. We remember the general overview but the specifics get lost in the mix of colored sand.
I don't believe in regrets because I feel they are wasteful of our time but I do believe in learning from our disappointments. I am disappointed that I only have scattered journal entries to look back on. I wish I could clearly remember what I was experiencing through the processes like the loss of my mother, the loss of my marriage, the trauma that is Nursing School, my transformation into a nurse, etc. I have scattered journals but wish I had more.
As a daughter, I wish I had my Mother's journals so that I could try to gleen some lessons from her life. I wish I knew the thoughts of my ancestors who accomplished great (and minor) things in their life. I wish I knew my grandmother's caramel cake recipe...I just wish there was more documentation darnit!
So I have created this post. This is my way of documenting the lesson as it unfolds. This is my little piece of "this is what I know, what I have learned." And this is my act of bravery for this year. I am fully exposed here. Somehow it seems easier to share lessons with each other in this format. (Gen Xer Syndrome I guess!)
I hope that this little blog will help me to remember clearly as the year passes. And, I hope that I can include lessons that I want to share with my children, memories that I want to last, joys that were shared with me....and lessons that I have been taught.
My disclaimers are few -
1.) Please excuse my writing style. I am pretty much a punctation and format rebel. I just write the way I think and I throw in a few commas and dots to make it look like I know what I am doing. The truth really is that I don't care! I believe that the content that flows from the heart is more important than the "rules" of how things should be put down on paper. (Editors-at-Heart....feel free to let me know my mistakes and I will try to incorporate those lessons too. )
2.) Please know that I believe what I believe passionately but I do NOT expect all to embrace my beliefs every single time. You may not be able to change my way of thinking to match your own (control-freaks take note) but I would not try to force anyone to think like I do.
3.) I am in love with my children so I am sure that I will constantly share lessons I learn from their amazingness. Sorry if I am sometimes the annoying mom who thinks her kids are the best. (They are, by the way, but I digress!)
I am impulsive by nature and so I can only say that I am diving into this with hopes of seeing what will happen. I hope that I can share lessons along the way and I am grateful to be able to "speak out loud" as I process all the Universe shows me. I hope we can enjoy this together!
Tracy
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